If someone was to tell you that they were going to get you to
pay for their lunch, when you had no intention of paying for it, you
would likely laugh at them and say “buy your own!” But a lot of people
spend a lot of their time and money buying individuals lunch, or
clothes, trips, groceries, rent, etc… basically paying for things that
they don’t want to pay for, things that they don’t personally need or
want, and parting with time and money for things that have no direct
positive impact on their life.
Why do some good people give away so much time and money to people
who only care about getting the time and money? Simply because they are
being psychologically manipulated by someone who is skilled at getting
people to feel particular things.
The Wikipedia Psychological Manipulation
page is fantastic! It reveals a number of techniques that can be used
to create a feeling within someone that will help you to gain the upper
hand in an interaction that will help you part them from their time,
money and positive emotion. I do not condone behaving like this, but
given the prevalence of emotionally impaired people in the world, one is
wise to be aware of how they gain the upper hand in during
interactions. NOTE – there are a number of people who can be lumped into
category of toxic people including sociopaths, psychopaths, histrionic /
narcissistic personality disorder and people who are insecure or suffer
thoughts of being inferior to others so the chances of your not being
exposed to someone who uses psychological manipulation to get you to do
their work from them are pretty small. By learning their weapons, you’re
going to go a long way in disarming them.
Below are a few of the techniques that I have seen used effectively on other people:
Lying and lying by omission – someone says something that isn’t true
or they leave out a critical fact that prevents you from seeing things
objectively. For example, a girl claiming that her body friend went out
without her while not stating that she told him she was too busy to go
out with him (lying by omission). A guy claiming that his girl friend
went on a date with another guy when in fact she went to work. Neither
is an objective account of the world.
Guilt tripping – a person suggests to the victim that they do not
care, is selfish or has it very easy which creates bad feelings in the
victim keeping them in a self-doubting and therefore submissive
position. For example, a student telling someone they want to pay for
their school that because they are able to work, they have money and
don’t know who tough the life of a student is.
Projecting the blame – blaming another person for things that they
had a clear hand in creating. For example, when someone puts off doing
something until the last minute only to have something pop-up that
prevents them from completing the task; the issue becomes what came-up
and NOT putting the thing off until the last minute.
Playing the victim – by projecting the notion that they are actually
the victim they are able to garner sympathy from others. For example,
someone playing up their challenging upbringing as an excuse for
behaving in a way that they know is inappropriate. While there are
things about ones upbringing that will impact their future choices,
adults reach a point when they are able to see their behavior as wrong
as indicated by their citing a poor upbringing as the reason why they
did the wrong thing.
So how do you use the above to get someone to buy you lunch? Let’s give it a shot! How to avoid buying lunch is in italics:
Lying – Can you please buy me lunch because I haven’t had anything to
eat all day because my ex boy friend emptied my back account when we
broke-up with me this weekend? You should talk to the police about that, sounds like a crime has been committed. Call them on their words. If what they are saying is true, a call to the police will take care of it very quickly.
Guilt tripping – I’m so hungry! How can you eat that sushi in front of me given me that I haven’t eaten all day? Strangely, you being hungry isn’t impacting the flavor one bit. This lets them know that their experience of the world does not impact you.
Projecting the blame – I had to pay for cab fare last night so that
my friend wouldn’t drive home drunk and now I don’t have any money left
for food. Sounds like you care more about your friends than you do
yourself. Here’s my phone, call them up and get them to pay you for the
cab fair. Presenting the solution objectively will let them know that you see the world very clearly.
Playing the victim – someone stole my jacket from coat check and it
had my wallet in it. Now I’m not able to buy lunch because someone stole
from me. You need to start taking care of your things. It’s pretty unwise to leave your wallet at coat check.
By letting them know that they created the situation themselves your
give them the information to prevent it from happening again.
The key is to not respond in the natural automatic emotional way.
Take what they give you and run with it. They just want a free lunch,
they don’t want wisdom, humor or anything enlightened so give them these
things and they’ll move on to the next person who may have the money to
buy them what they want.