The Conversation About Children
Over the years I have gotten into it with a lot of parents about my desire to not have children. The conversations all go pretty much the same. They ask me when I am going to start a family and when I tell them that I don’t want to start a family they tell me that I am being selfish.
When I was younger I thought that their comment was a slag on me, that I was somehow less of a human being because I had thought about the consequences of having children and made the decision that it wasn’t something that I wanted. As I get older and start to see the first wave of divorces in my peer group, I feel more comfortable with my stance. It is also very clear that any person who tells me that I am selfish for not having children has either found the right partner, has always wanted kids or is trying to justify their own child creating actions by getting others to do the same.
If you have the right partner, the desire to be a parent and the resources to afford it go ahead and start a family. If you are missing one of these three things, don’t.
First off, individuals of our species are able to effectively cold read a lack of love between two people. When you have children with the wrong person, the child is able to pick up on it and will learn this to be the normal dynamic between two people. This lesson will be carried with them into adulthood and may lead them to choose partners that help them to facilitate the same loveless experience.
If you end up getting divorced, the lives of your children become more difficult. There is plenty of research out there indicating the single parent families can result in well adjusted children, often better adjusted than children in a loveless two parent household, but there is also the undeniable finding that the environment changes in a way that eliminates many of the advantages of a loving two parent household.
Next, if you do not want children but end up having them, you better be able to want them unconditionally because they will pick up any feelings of contempt. Contempt is very much like the universal emotion disgust that all human beings are capable of feeling and reading on other peoples faces. To develop optimally, children need unconditional support and love from their primary care givers. Feelings of contempt immediately add conditions of behavior to the feeling of love that children may not be able to satisfy. While it may be appropriate for you to expect your partner to not find a frenzied excitement at the sound of pots banging together, this expectation is not going to be met when your 2 year old realizes that they can control the sounds in their environment by hitting two things together. You need to be proud of their discoveries and be very accepting of the fact that a young persons lessons about the world are often very destructive and disruptive.
Finally, while money is not necessarily a critical component in child rearing, having it does make life easier. The most highly taxed demographic in society tends to be that of the young family. (Okay, this isn’t entirely accurate, but young families need to spend more than child-free two person income households so a larger percentage of their after-tax income is already accounted for). The more money you have, the easier it will be to provide all the necessities and privilege that help to shape a well adjusted youngster. Having money will also allow you to maintain some of the quality of experience that you enjoyed before starting a family. Having children will shift your priorities, but having children shouldn’t mean the end of all the things you love doing. But it could if you don’t have the funds and have to choose between your gym membership or baby formula.
Given that the consequences for having children are life long, people should be spending as much time considering this decision as they spend thinking about their retirement. Buy accessories on an impulse if you like but plan your family and know what you are getting into before you begin.
October 23rd, 2007 10:40
I don’t think your decision to NOT have children is a selfish one at all–in fact, quite the opposite. Don’t you think that the decision of bringing a child into the world in which we live today is actually the selfish decision?
poverty, drugs, alcohol, abuse, disease, violence…..
October 23rd, 2007 12:56
Hi Tracie,
I see your point of view because there does seem to be a whole lot of evil in the world but I’m still naive enough to believe that good people or a good person can raise children successfully provided they love their children, have the resources to be able to spend ample time with them and actually want to do it. I wouldn’t consider it a selfish thing if it is thought out. Parenting is a tough job (at least that’s what my folks told me) and when you factor in the worlds evils, it’s a job that one should only undertake if they really and truly want to.
December 4th, 2007 22:41
Hi Tracie,
As a father of 2 children (happily married now, at least I think
… my son is a little more than 2 years old and my daughter was born just a week ago.
To say that the realities, challenges, possibilities and consequences we face as a species is so overwhelming that we should stop propagating the species is a little melodramatic. Sorry. Every person is ultimately responsible for themselves… and I don’t think I’d be exaggerating to say that a good number of people may be experiencing happy and fulfilling lives in spite of it all.
To assume bringing a child into the world is “selfish” is naive and erroneous — it implies you actually have an understanding of the motivation of each and every parent that conceives.
Raising a child tests your ability for “unconditional” love. That’s as far from “selfish” as it gets. Of course, that ability isn’t a necessity to survive…. or even happiness, for that matter. For some people it is a need. And for others, it’s just a way of life.
December 6th, 2007 11:32
Sorry Tony, didn’t mean to offend –and don’t misunderstand–I have children & I love them dearly. My point was only this–the world is full of unpleasant events–including violence, disease and loss of life. I am not implying “that we as a species should stop propagating the species”–my point to Patrick was simply this: if someone thought that not having kids was selfish on his part, then isn’t it just possible that it is in fact just the opposite–afterall, who would purposely subject a new human life to the inevitable tragedies of life and death??
December 10th, 2007 13:57
Tracie. Again, your post conveys quite the negative perception of life. “Tragedies of life” (ie. violence, disease, etc)? The “tragedy” of death? I simply don’t share that perspective… and I’m obviously there’s something that’s keeping you from blowing your brains out of your head
Life has just as many opportunities and successes… as it does failures and tragedies. How a person has been raised… will certainly influence if a person has a tendency to overlook the small successes…. or amplify the failures.
Look, I’m as cynical as it comes to human nature (specifically others). But now that I have a better understanding of it, I can work with it and live with it in a manner that still allows me to enjoy my life. And that’s part of the life process (ie. maturity).
People have choices — that’s the beauty of life. Although we cannot choose our parents (genetics), there are things that we can do to avoid disease (too many to mention), there are things we can do to avoid violence (too many to mention), there are things we can do to avoid the pitfalls of existence.
But harping back to my original post…. people are accountable to themselves. It’s up to each of us to make the right decisions for ourselves. And that’s the ultimate test for a parent… the truly “unconditional” love that most people are incapable of. Loving and supporting your children despite possibly disagreeing with their “choices”.
Selfishness comes into play… when a parent thinks that they can manipulate their children into making THEIR choices for them — despite even the best of intentions.
And I don’t have a problem with a person admitting that they don’t have children because they realize that the responsibility is overwhelming. Being honest with yourself is more important than just about anything.