I used to dread being by myself. I became a distraction junky and remained in situations that were not good for me for too long. I wouldn’t do the things I needed to do unless I was with someone else – instead of going to the supermarket to buy good food, I would go to the nearest variety store and get junk food. I did this because there was less shame than walking up and down the ails pushing a shopping cart alone. I happened across an old journal entry from a few years ago – October 9th, 2004 – that marked the ending of this difficult period in my life.
It is Fall. There is that familiar leaf rotting smell in the air, it gets dark around 7 and it is kind of cold.
I start at Goodlife on Tuesday. Monday is thanksgiving and I quit my Weedman job on Thursday and went camping at Albion Hills, staying at site 80 – our Hot August Nights spot.
Finally going camping by myself was great. There was a little weirdness to it at the beginning, but I guess I got used to it. I’m looking forward to doing it again and I wouldn’t rule out going to the Eastern Townships by myself.
Des made a comment “at least you didn’t have to entertain some girl so you could have fun” and it’s so true. Since I can do everything I want by myself that I use to need company for, getting into something that requires more effort or putting it on doesn’t serve any purpose. Go it alone and enjoy the company of others, but always remember life is a lot of fun NOW without her in it. If she is going to be in my life, it is because she adds to it. I always have a choice and I can choose me and live without them. It is good advice, the company of just me is good company.
I don’t know why the switch flipped in my head that Thursday when I quit my seasonal Weedman job and went camping alone. I guess I was just sick of living a mediocre unfulfilling life of dependency on others. I remember when I paid for the site and the clerk asked how many people were with me and I said “just me” wondering what she thought about me being by myself. The thought didn’t last very long because she asked if I was going riding and when I said yes, she said have fun. There was a flash of awareness that I wasn’t the first or last person to check in my themselves.
That weekend marked the moment in my life when I stopped being a child and decided to face the world on my own.
Years later I’m able to see the significance of that weekend. My interactions with others are now lot more rewarding because I feel more at ease with them. I don’t fear the interactions ending because I do not dread being by myself. I have fewer friends now than I did before but my time with them is a lot more fulfilling and genuine.
Life got a whole lot better when I became my own best company because when you are at ease with who you are you can do everything you need to do.