I’ve been making a lot of decisions over the last 2 year that I wouldn’t have made any time before. I needed to, my boat was floating in still water and there wasn’t a wind. Life wasn’t going anywhere I wanted it to take me because I was sitting on my hands waiting for someone to shepherd me towards the experiences I would judge and blame them for exposing me to. Yeah, I knew it wasn’t working so I had the change things up.
Looking back on the last 24 months it is with a mixed sense of satisfaction and complete disappointment. I’m satisfied because I understand who I am, what I need to be happy, what I do that doesn’t make me happy and I’m closing in on the reason WHY my life is exactly as it is. I’m completely disappointed because the ride has been a lot rougher since I started to get my life moving again. It’s hard to change things, even when you know you have to, it still sucks to go without the things you have grown accustomed to. You’ve normalize them, and while they my not be ideal, things are as they are and we suffer when they change.
This is life though. It’s always in flux. One is born, one dies, two fall in love, two end their relationship, There is a patterns of beginnings and endings and when you get it right there is a middle. And maybe if you get it really right there isn’t really an ending.
But with all the beginnings and endings that I’m going through, it should be getting easier at this point and it doesn’t really seem to be. The reason for this is that I don’t really have much of a stable identify to return to or hold on to. As a consequence I tend to view myself as not being okay and look to others for signs that things are good. I’ve said this before though, a bunch of times. The difference now is that I’m actually saying it to people who only engage me as an Adult – they don’t parent anyone other than themselves. And it feels ridiculous to say out loud to them.
My baseline is something that I haven’t seen in a long time – a little over a year ago was the last time I actually felt like I wasn’t working against the universe and the people in it. I know exactly why the switch flipped and it was because I made a mistake a number of months before that I ignored when I made it. The outcome was an assumption that led me down a number of unusual roads all of which were unworkable because they weren’t the roads that I travel best.
Now with my dad gone and having the freedom to just collapse, I’m taking the time to disappear for a while and come back when I’m me again. I am okay, other people are okay. I do see this now. I just need to take some time to establish my baseline so I have a point of reference to know if I’m off course. I’m actually really excited about it. There are challenges in the experience as I have been off for a while now. I think it’s time that I got to know the ME other people see and like.