When I Feel The Lowest

Apart from a major freakout at 4:45 am a few weeks ago when my brain finally let go of the possibility that my dad was just on vacation somewhere and accepted that he had died, I feel the absolute worst after I workout.

This makes sense because I train really hard and do not to take long rest periods. I’m burning through a bunch of sugar which paradoxically is needed to keep the brain going. Once the blood sugar level drops, the emotional system takes over and my ability to manage my thoughts begins to degrade. I leave the gym crying 100% of the time now. Not sure if people ever get used to seeing a grown man cry, but since I’m not pretending to be a grown-up, they are free to not get used to it. But the emotion needs to be burned out and given my emotional affect, it could be a very long time before that happens.

I really miss my dad like crazy. This is now the longest that I have gone without talking to him and with each day it doesn’t really get any easier, just different. Dead is really gone, not gone like yesterday, it’s gone like my youth.

Food, exercise and sleep are all better than they have been in a very long time so I can only imagine the bag of toys I’d be if I was still just scraping by feeding on the bottom. This is probably a brighter hell than it would have been a few months ago.