Category: Makes You Think

This category covers things that relate probably require some reflection and some time to allow your brain to process more completely. It will be the largest category because the aim of this site is to get people to shift their thinking in some way and to create a new “normal” state. It is safe to say that any post that is included in this category will probably present you with a new piece of information, a new way of looking at something, or a different take on what is already considered common sense or common knowledge.

Need To Be Heard

I recall my abnormal psychology professor saying that those who lose their hearing suffer more from isolation when compared to those who lose their vision. It seemed odd but it was based on years of studies so I accepted it as the way it was.

Recently I’m starting to get a feeling for why going completely deaf is so challenging from a psychological point of view. Hearing is social, more than any of our other sense. We KNOW we are not alone when we hear someones voice. When we cannot hear, we will feel isolated because we fail to receive the information we need to prove otherwise. We also fail to hear what we are saying so it’s tough to know if we are actually broadcasting our thoughts.

But, unfortunately, the psychological suffering of not having a sense of hearing is not limited to those who lose their hearing. The psychological symptoms of hearing lose can also be manifested in those who are not heard or do not feel like they are being heard. More significant here is that it can be relationship specific – the same individual can form and maintain a healthy psychological relationship with someone who listens to them, and at the same time, have a maladaptive relationship with someone who doesn’t listen. Human beings NEED to be heard by the people they are close to.

So what? Well, if you are feeling off around someone, observe how you interact with them. Do you listen to what they say, does the other people listen to what you say? Are their normal turn-taking behaviors in your conversations or is it you listening to what they are saying, engaging them, and having them talk again without acknowledging / being impacted by / reflecting on what you said? If you get the feeling that your words have no impact on what the other person is about to say there’s a very good chance that they aren’t hearing what you are saying.

Personally, I feel best around people who hear, engage and change based on the words I say. I am filled with a sense of elation when my words shape the direction of the conversation as observed by the words of the other people. I feel worst when I’m in a conversation with someone who simply waits for their turn to talk. I don’t like being around these people for very long and will eventually drift away from them if all of our interactions have them downloading / venting or leave me feeling like they are not hearing anything that I am saying.

Our best can only come-out when we feel valued and respected. If you are starting to become aware that you feel bad around someone else, observe your conversations and try to notice if your words shape their words in any way or if they are most concerned with saying what they have to say regardless of the words what come out of your mouth. If you are simply a conscious target for their words there is very little chance that you are going to be feeling very good around this person if you need to have a meaningful conversation.

Changing The Mindscape – Embracing Diversity

Over the last 12 months I have had a number of experiences that have changed the way I view the world. It started when I went to work at the commercial gym I’m working at because this was the first time in 3 years that I took a job that allowed me to become friends with the staff and I made the decision to become friends with them. The team is an eclectic group of individuals with experience loaded backgrounds. The consequence to introducing them into my life is that I have had to embrace diversity in a way that I haven’t been able to before and it has been mind changing.

Below are some of the lessons they and this experience have taught me:

Accept that your past will present itself as the present in the way you react and think about things. You cannot escape this. You can however observe yourself doing it and in fact, you NEED to be able to observe it happening in order for you to stop doing it. If you never see it happening, you’ll be living in the past through repeated patterns of action, emotion and thought.

Stop seeking approval from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. When we search for other peoples approval, we are forfeiting control of our happiness and emotional state and are actually creating a dependency for another person; which is effectively a tax on our happiness given that we are no longer free to seek it out. Whatever good there is inside of your will not come out as freely and the person we are will never become actualized to the same extent. By seeking approval from other people, we are limiting ourselves to behaviors and actions that we know have worked in the past.

Stop being afraid of being wrong – if you are not prepared to be wrong you will never come up with anything original. Judgment kills creativity, personality and happiness. When we fear being wrong, we close off and most likely repeat a previous action that was safe or didn’t have a negative impact on us (one that wasn’t viewed as wrong).

When I am doing what I love, my passion makes me feel alive. You need to make time for the things you love or need to do. Keep in mind that these things are going to be different for other people. To boost happiness as much as possible, surround yourself with like-minded or like-actioning people at allow you to do what you love. You’ll both get a boost from each other and the synergy you create will be wonderful!

Do what you love as much as possible because one day you won’t be able to do it. I am very fortunate to still be healthy and to be as active as I like. But I know this won’t last forever. Wear and tear on the body, injury, changing goals and values will eventually limit the amount of movement that I can do, as it does for all people. I take 4 hour rides, squat and dead lift loads far greater than I will ever need to lift, and bounce around turning food into movement because I can. I am all too aware that I am on the trailing end of an over-active lifestyle and the knowledge that what I do with it will not be possible in the future.

“Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away“. That’s from a commencement speech Steve Job of Apple gave to the Stanford University graduating class of 2005. There are so many gems in the speech that everyone should read it a couple of times to gain some of his wisdom. But this comment is the one that I think is most fitting because it taps into the one thing that most of us know and fear, that one day in the future we will be obsolete and eventually we’ll be gone from the planet. Time really is running out for you, me and everyone. The species will continue, we’ll be replaced with other people who will achieve great things, waste their lives or some combination of the two. But time really is finite for us so you best better make the most of it because it will be gone very soon.

By embracing the diversity of human beings, by allowing their unique lessons in, we will find no surer way to happiness. Just make sure you do it now!

Seeing The Truth – Deviations From Normal

Seeing the truth or disillusionment can be difficult to manage sometimes because of its profound and reaching impact. We can feel dejected, hurt or experience a sense of loss. We can feel uneasy or anxious. And we can feel euphoric and be bursting with creativity and optimism.

One of the most remarkable things about the human brain is the ability to normalize almost any situation. People may wish for a better life, but they are able to function fairly effectively in most circumstances and environments. We are seeing new truths constantly and most are processed and interpreted unconsciously; they require very little on-going mental energy to assimilate. We can normalize deviance very effectively in most many instances.

Disillusionment is a little different because it occurs when a critical piece of our world view changes forcing a cascading wave of changes in other areas. Re-writing these changes will take time and it causes stress and mental arousal. The degree of stress is mitigated by support structure, health, available coping strategies and the size of the deviation from normal. Direct effort will also speed things along if you act according to the disillusionment vs. your previous world view. Direct effort forces experiences that are averaged into, and therefore change, what we hold as normal. Do this for long enough and your daily life will stop causing anxiety.

The direction of our conscious thoughts is important also. Think past, present, or future. By looking back on things, we are sustaining our old world view. We are ignoring the truth and choosing to pursue something that we know isn’t accurate. Doing this ENSURES suffering. Suffering is stopped by directing conscious thought onto the present and by accepting the truth. Disillusionment and enlightenment mean the same thing but what that is changes completely when you choose which word to use as each captures a different mindset and a different set of behaviors to embody.

When presented with a new truth that forces a change to your world view, you are best served by accepting and acting in accordance to it as quickly as you can. You are going to have to eventually anyway so why not front load the experiences so you move through the process most quickly?

Pushing Reset – Why You Need Time Between Relationships

When we are in long-term relationships our world view changes and we normalizing being in a relationship. We normalize behaviors, thought patterns, conversations, mental states, etc…. After a period of time we no longer question it and simply live our lives constantly receiving information that says that everything is normal because this is what has become normal. This is now the state that the brain will seek to achieve and you will begin to unconsciously put effort into maintaining it.

When a relationship ends we are faced with new information that is in stark contrast to our existing world view – that which we and our brain consider normal. This means that there are going to be a lot of unconscious automatic behaviors aimed at returning your mental and physical state to how it was when you were in the relationship. The body seeks homeostasis and it resists deviations from normal.

Given this, it makes a lot of sense to push reset at the end of a “normal changing” relationship and take the time to make “not in a relationship” the new normal. If you don’t, you are going to manufacture the same experience and likely engineer the same unsuccessful outcome for the next relationship.

New Challenges – Moving In With Rachel – The Final Month

Sadly, things haven’t worked out with Rachel and me so last month was my final month living with her. I’m not going to get all blamey, down or amped-up for what comes now because I don’t really feel any of those things. Rachel is a great person with a ton of potential in many areas of her life. In two years we’ll both be doing great personally and professionally – that’s inevitable – so there’s no real point in suffering the time between now and then for it is only temporary.

But there are lessons and wisdom in the entire experience so the pragmatic thing is to put them down so I don’t forget them and maybe they can be of use to others.

People need to be alone for a long enough period of time to know that they can survive independently. If this time is not taken or this knowledge is not present, one may view others as a necessary part in their life and NOT simply as a choice. I’m not sure how long this takes, but it takes time. It is only when you know what it’s like to be alone that you will know if it’s better when you choose to be with a specific person.

People should be able to identify when they are trying to control another person. This will usually happen when two people disagree on something and cannot simply agree to disagree. To not be able to agree is human, to not accept that the other person has a right to feel what they feel simply because you don’t agree with them is very shortsighted. In reality it doesn’t really matter for most things. What does matter is your ability to accept that others have a view of the world that is important to them and you should not try to control this. Provide evidence for your point of view if you like, but just do your best to let others do what they need to do.

People are not good or bad, they just work to make real the internal world view they hold. Actions will generally construct events that tend to validate your self image or self-talk. Most of the time, people are completely unaware that their actions reflect this view. Attributing malice to most things is inaccurate given that most behaviors, even self-destructive ones, are self-interested actions.

Behaviors are not good/bad or right/wrong, they either work for us or they don’t. By using judging words when talking to someone about their behavior we create shame which causes them to withdraw. Judgment fosters contempt, which will destroy a relationship and likely the possibility of a friendship very quickly. You have to let people be themselves and make the decision if their way of being is compatible with yours. If it doesn’t work for you, you need to move on fairly quickly.

There are many more things that I have learned from my time with Rachel but these are four big ones that, moving forward, I will try to focus on.

Nothing Worse Than Good When Good and Bad When Bad

Been doing a lot of listening to my clients recently because we’ve been working together for long enough that I don’t have to coach them as much.

One of them blew my mind when he mentioned that “there is little worse than being around someone who is great when things are good but horrible when things are bad”. I laughed because it didn’t make any sense but he is right. “You are always going to be a punching bag when things go bad because that is the persons coping mechanism.” It’s kind of frightening because it’s an obvious pattern that I had interpreted as the exact opposite.

It’s easy to be a pleasure when times are fun and easy. It’s very hard to be a pleasure when your world is falling in on you. The issue is that life is tough if you are trying to improve it and as an enlightened or challenging seeking individual you are ALWAYS going t try and improve it therefore times are not always going to be fun and easy.

The lesson is to not be mean when times are tough. Try to avoid lashing out when you feel your actions do not seem to be moving anything forward. If you feel victimized by someone you are close to when their life is tough make them aware that you feel they are doing it and allow them to make the decision to either change their approach to you or keep it the same. If it remains the same and you don’t want to be a punching bag when they feel challenged you will need to change the situation.

What To Do When Someone Calls You TOXIC

When someone calls you toxic you first need to figure-out if they are correct. This is very simple if you are self aware and are able to observe your actions. You’ll see very quickly that you are trying to influence their emotional state to gain advantage or favor. If they are accurate, you need to make the decision if what you are trying to gain is worth losing the person. If the answer is no, stop doing it and lower your threshold for identifying your manipulation attempts so you are able to stop your behaviour before it becomes toxic. If the answer is yes, consider getting a good self help book, set up an appointment with the therapist or start going to a life coach to create a plan for you to achieve the desired goal independently. If that is impossible, and it really shouldn’t be, ask the person directly for what you want vs. trying to game them into it. They may say no but at least they won’t tell you to get out of their life.

If you are not self aware, it’s a little trickier because you won’t have any idea the you have control over your behaviour and therefore your world. You first need to accept that the person cares about you – or else they won’t have responded emotionally to what you said; this is a good thing because it means that even if they do not give you what you want, they are likely going to be able to offer some support to help you through not getting what you want. It’s great to have friends and it’s even better to have friends who are able to see the truth.

Once you have accepted that you are loved and that you may not get what you want using the method you have, you need to make the decision if what you want is actually that important. If the answer is no, don’t think about it anymore. If the thing is that important, you need to find a direct way to get it. Ask the person for it, ask them for help in getting it, ask them for advice on how to get it. Figure-out how you are going to get it without involving anyone else or without using manipulation and guilt to get other people do to it for you.

Once you’ve achieved it, moved on from it or accepted that you won’t be getting it, you need address your toxic nature.

Step one, accept that you love yourself and believe that you have the right to have nice things and to get your way.

Step two, accept that other people love themselves and believe that they have the right to nice things and to get their way.

Step three, accept that other people have an experience of reality that is unique and separate from yours. This is absolutely critical and it should be taught to people in school because so many go through life using other people as objects in their life vs. automatons (to say the very least about ones experience of reality).

Step four, accept that you learned how to manipulate and use guilt to get what you want and that this approach will keep you from ever being complete and independent. Think about it this way, if that is your tool to get things, you will always need other people in your life because you will not possess the necessary skills to get what you want on your own.

Step five, make the decision that you don’t want to be toxic and invest in going without some of the things you like unless you are willing to get them yourself. If you cannot accept this, stop reading now and prepare for a life filled with lots of people, lots of shallow interactions with these people and an existence of co-dependence on people who are too weak to kick you to the curb. Frankly, if you can constantly control another person you likely don’t want them in your life anyway because they aren’t going to help you grow. They will enable you every step of your unsatisfying and distraction dependent live.

Step six, take the time to create new strategies to get what you want and need. Hard work is a good way to achieve this. Changing your priorities is another effective way at eliminating the need for stuff. Admitting that you need help and asking for it is another way to free yourself from the manipulation of others.

Step seven, be aware and always cautious that you have a skill that is useful but very damaging to the quality of interactions with others, particularly the people who care about you the most. Always remember that you are one manipulative effort away from having one less friend. Before you set out to get someone to do stuff for you ask yourself the question “is what I’m trying to achieve worth losing this person forever?” The truth is that if it is worth losing someone forever they will help you if you ask. If it isn’t, they could drop you like garbage and, frankly, if you are trying to manipulate the people who love you, you are either a child or garbage.

We create the world we live in using our thoughts and actions. If yours is a toxic waste land of short term friendships, x partners who don’t want anything to do with you and a feeling worthlessness, it’s time to create a new world based on honesty with yourself, with others and the awareness that your primary coping tool may be the very source of your unhappiness.

When Interpreting Tone From Raw Text

I had a great conversation with one of my clients yesterday about a couple of email messages she received over the last few days. When she read the messages to me, they seemed fine – they were in my opinion clear, accurate, and unambiguous. When she stopped reading them and looked at me, I was left with a blank look on my face and wondering when she was going to bring-up something that should have bothered her. The silence was broken by her asking “so, do you think I should be upset by that?”

I replied with “no” citing that the email was clear and without any tone whatsoever. Then it dawned on me, in the absence of information, we create the information we are missing if we feel we need to. In this case, tone was manufactured based on something internal.

“So, how do you feel about this person? How have the two of you been interacting recently?” Then the flood gates opened that the source of the tone became evident. Their interactions have been strained recently due to some work / life factors that can’t be controlled by either one of them and when the messages appeared in her inbox, the natural tendency was to transfer the strained feelings onto the author of the message and then interpret the message accordingly. It is another common example of the fundamental attribution error and it shows how automatic some of our behaviours are. It reveals how diligent we must be when engaging our thoughts.

Unless it is stated or evident, DO NOT interpret tone with raw text. If you do, take a moment to consider why YOU are interpreting the text in such a way. Very often, our interruptions of things reveal more about how we feel about them; which is fairly important information.

Revisiting Threads

I watched Threads on YouTube this weekend. Threads was a 1984 British TV drama about the build-up and aftermath of an all out nuclear war.

When I first watched it I was in grade 7 or 8 and I found it particularly disturbing – almost life changingly so. When I watched it this weekend I found it less disturbing and it brought back a lot of memories from the early to mid 80’s when there seemed to be a feeling that a nuclear war was eminent; I recall talking to some class mates about the possibility of a nuclear war and we all basically felt that it was just a matter of time. Fortunately it hasn’t happened yet and as the world progresses the prospects of an all out war have faded almost completely; I think someone letting off an nuclear weapon will happen, it will just be a regional thing vs. the total destruction of the planet.

Looking back I don’t recall the moment it stopped being something that I thought would happen and just stopped being something that I thought about, which is kind of odd given that it had been on our collective minds for years. I do wonder what long term impact the ongoing fear had on my view of the world?

Feelings And When To Act

It’s the CanFitPro weekend here in Toronto so I’ve been attending a few lectures to keep my personal training certification up to date. After leaving one of the sessions yesterday morning I happened to walk past a lecture room where Paul Chek had just finished up and was answering questions.

I’ve read some of Paul’s work before and respect his point of view about a lot of things so I figured I would go in an listen. I prefer to listen to guys like Paul answer question because I think his off the script stuff is going to be more interesting. Well, I wasn’t disappointed.

He was addressing a question about fear and feelings of low self worth. His answer was a breath of fresh air. He told the questioner to accept that there were feelings and that the feelings were coming from a place of love. Next he alluded to the feelings revealing some information that is important but not necessarily worth addressing in the moment.

He said “with things like that I like to play the counting by three game where you count by threes as quickly as possible”. If you find yourself able to do it, then the thoughts do not require immediate action given that you are able to complete a trivial task instead saving your life (I’m paraphrasing here). If you can’t count by threes then you probably need to action quickly because there is something serious going on.

I think this is important. Paul didn’t discount the feelings as he has accepted that feelings do reveal important information or alert us to the fact that something important is happening in our immediate environment; so it is important. But if we are able to shift focus onto something else, then there is a very good chance that there is no immediate threat and therefore a more logical approach may be what is needed to address the situation.