Structured Synergy

What do I want from a partner? “To exist with them in a way that allows us to continue to cause each others greatness.” I want to help them become more of what they are. This matches my life purpose – to create beauty – as actualizing potential serves in the beautification of an individual. This can be rendered in support, guidance, coaching, or time alone together just to get things done. I’m aware that I am not complete and need help in the journey to where that takes me. That’s important. Realizing that there’s work to be done and that I will need the help of others does a lot of help me keep my mind open.

It also strikes me that what I say I want now I did have a number of times in the past. Each relationship has started off with someone who found me interesting, inspiring and funny. It ends-up in a different place but the beginning is always good. The words they say and the actions they take do indicate something positive which happens to match how I feel and believe I act. This is very significant – we make great starts in the formation of a partnership but something breaks down that transforms the help we offer each other from synergy to something perceived as destructive by the other person. As best I can tell, although I haven’t asked any of my old girlfriends, contempt enters the relationship dynamic and this paints everything bad.

It is amazing that a partnership can sour so completely and so quickly; although a number of my friends have commented that this is how relationships go. The glow leaves after the first few months and the two people begin to find comfort in the relationship and start to express their intentions. My thought was that we’d likely never fall in love if people were completely real from the very beginning although I’m not sure. The few times I’ve simply not cared about being what I thought the other person wanted I was happy and more peaceful. To date though, there have been 2 unsuccessful relationships of this nature – one didn’t work out because I checked out and the other didn’t get started because the school year ended. Regardless of the outcome of these experiences, we never ended up hating each other or developing contempt for who the other was. It was fun and then it was over.

What I’m now considering is that the synergy that I once had with my old girlfriends did not go away, it just changed into something else that was interpreted as an effort to control behavior; which it was but not from a place of intentional malice. What begins as welcome observations about ones actions and nature eventually becomes unwelcome. If the observations continue, even after their unwelcomeness has been been made clear, the intentions of the observer have changed from alchemist to parent REGARDLESS of the rightness or accuracy of the observation. Synergy comes from creating more from what is there. If the mind or a willingness to change is not there YOU CANNOT MAKE GOLD with it because there is nothing to work with.

In these cases, synergy can be restored when both parties accept and work with the reality of the situation; ones contentment with a world view dissonant from yours is something that YOU can accept. Provided it works for you, embracing a differing world view (or their unwillingness to change) is the one thing that you can do to restore the synergy into a relationship. It does require of their partner an accurate reporting of what is going on in their head – the thing that you disagree on needs to be the actual thing you disagree on. Steroid use is an example of this. Some people use steroids in order to build more muscle or strength so they have more muscle or strength. Other people use steroid to build muscle and strength so they don’t feel insecure around other people. It’s a lot easier to accept and deal with your partners desire to be muscular and strong than it is to deal with one who is insecure or narcissistic.

I need to be blunt with myself and with anyone who may consider getting involved with me in a relationship. The opportunities for synergy must be built into the structure of the relationship because my track record is one of allowing these moments to fade away. My career/education/recreation goals need to remain and I need to continue to build towards them. If you can’t work in the same space, you need to work away from each other, if you don’t like the same exercises or fitness activities you need to keep doing the ones you like on your own, if you are taking something advanced in school you need to accept that your partners knowledge is limited and their efforts to help are based on good intentions vs. wisdom. If you can work in the same space, fantastic! If you enjoy the same fitness or exercise activities, enjoy them together and push each other to greatness. If your partner is encouraging and supportive of your journey towards higher eduction, be grateful and pass along as much of this information as you can. Doing anything other than getting on board with them 100% or 100% out of their way is going to stop the synergy and begin to suffocate the relationship.

Maintaining a climate conducive to synergy within a relation can be challenging and it does in someways go against the best interests of the individual – following a dream requires focus that won’t be spent on me. There is an abstract gain in that the relationship gets stronger because one of the members gets stronger, but the immediate experience may be one of perceived loss. In a strong relationship their is rarely a long term cost and usually a long term gain by having one of the members go back to school, love to cycle or train for marathons, work hard to build a sustainable business. Some of the relationship roles will be adjusted temporarily, others changed permanently, but the self-actualizing experience of working toward goals tends to inject a sense of possibility and hope into a relationship, but only if the relationship is structured for synergy.