Transactional Analysis – Part 2 – The Games We Play

In Transactional Analysis – Part 1 – Laymans Introduction we covered the social and ego / psychological states – those of child, parent and adult, and Child, Parent and Adult – that we learn through observation and which then become hardwired into our brains. The interplay between these social and psychological states occurs during social interactions (transactions) involves the currency of strokes. The end goal of TA therapy is to coach the client into engaging others and themselves with their Adult psychological and social states.

Stable interaction occur when all parties are interacting in complementary states e.g. one is Parent, the other is child, both are Adult, or both are Child in a state of play. Unstable interactions occur when both parties are NOT transacting in complementary states – one is Parent and the other is Adult – or when the social and psychological states do not match.

Now the most important part of it from an analysis / therapeutic point of view, the games we play.

In general, games are needed because life is a social thing. Most of the games don’t really matter as they are just ways of filling time. Many men and some women will play the game “the sports” were they interact with each other taking turns taking about their team, their QB, their whatever. No one lives or dies because of these transactions and nothing really happens. It’s a bit of fun allowing for some chirping, trash talk and a general discourse about something that doesn’t have much impact on the world. The social and ego states of this game tends to be complementary.

A similar game, but one with actual consequences is “politics.” This game is a little more insidious as those who play it tend to hold a particular position of rightness (they judge their opponents) and will usually alter their ego state during the conversation to in an attempt to win or prove a point. The transactions are mixed such that the adult social comment “it is important for the liberals to understand who is paying for everything” is actually a Parent comment directed towards their opponent implying the liberals are not wise enough to realize the money comes from all the tax payers. When their debate partner replies with “it seems like conservatives don’t have a very good understanding of how enlightened liberally minded thinkers are” it is presented as Adult, but it’s a Child-like rebuttal of “you’re stupid.”

So those are two simple games that people pay. Not really a big deal given that most people don’t spend a lot of time talking politics with people they are attempting to foster high quality relationships with.

Given that the goal of TA is to help coach the client to engage others as both a social and psychological Adult, knowledge of these games and ones role within them is critical in correcting their maladaptive behavior. And this is where the challenge begins given that the Child and Parent states are biologically hardwired and can be triggered very easily simply by having someone engage you in one of the complementary states. For example, your boss makes the Adult statement “have you completed the report?” and this triggers a latent feeling from your childhood when a teacher asked the same question. Instead of saying “yes” and handing it over, the reply is “why don’t you ever think I’ll anything you ask me to do?” a Child reply. Effective bosses will reply with an Adult statement like “I just need the report so I can secure the funding for the budget” ignoring their Child like reply and not altering their ego state to match the shift that just occurred when their employee reacted like a child.

So that’s how the games work. There’s a formula for which people end-up winning and it’s a pathological mess when the dynamic becomes obvious.

Here are a few of the games that I find to be the most damaging:

“Now I’ve got you, you SOB” – A wants something, to end a relationship with B for example. B wants something, to spend time with A. B asks A to go out somewhere and A agrees. Adult : Adult on a social level, but something else on the psychological level. Upon arrival, A notices a car in the parking lot that looks like one that belongs to a friend of B. A realizes that they now have the evidence they need to “legitimately” end the relationship because B didn’t want to go out, they wanted to hangout with someone else. The switch occurs when A engages B from Parent and B responded as Child. In this case, A says “you weren’t honest with me about why you wanted to go out, just asked me for a ride so you could spend time with someone else” with B replying “no I didn’t.” This cross-up leaves B disoriented because they didn’t anticipate the switch and if they had real feelings towards A, they realize that they have been played. The payoff for A is feeling justified in their actions dumps B and moves forward from a superior position.

This is a very common one in dead relationships or marriages were one party will ask the other questions saying “I won’t be upset, I just need to know what’s going on.” Once B replies, the switch occurs and A attacks B for their lack of morals, lack of character, etc…. B feels stupid because they’ve been had again and A feels justified in their negative feelings. This likely is related to Negative Love Syndrome in that A has created an environment by with compassionate love is used against their partner.

This game is run aggressively and in many cases, the decision to feel a particular way has NOTHING at all to do with B. A just has some reason for not being an Adult and makes the decision to manipulate so they don’t have to be up front about it. In a lot of cases, it has seemingly decent people doing things that are horrible, but the reality is, A isn’t an Adult and is locked in their Child ego state.

“If it wasn’t for you….” Many people seek out of relationships with people who they view as controlling and will facilitate the behaviors by which B will begin to act like a parent or offer coaching as an Adult. Once these behaviors begin to be displayed, A will then feel and claim that B is trying to control them and act like a child and say “if it wasn’t for you I would be doing …..” the notion is that B is preventing A from achieving what they want. The irony is, B is helping A achieve what they want – which is the feeling of being controlled.

This games sucks because A doesn’t have the awareness to see that their actions are creating the response in B. For example, A tells B that they bounced a check or couldn’t buy something that was needed because they didn’t have enough money. B compassionately tries to offer some help – points out ways to save some money, suggests a budget, or something similar. What B didn’t know was that A wanted to bounce the check or not have the money so there could be some social gain; possible a feeling of being unfairly done by or a reason to complain. The switch occurs when A proceeds to tell B that they are trying to control them and that their help is uninvited and unwelcome; possibly going so far as to say that B doesn’t even follow the same advice. The gain for A is the creation of bad feeling towards B, a superior position and likely the end of a relationship / friendship. B just feels stupid for being gamed.

There are many games like this, check out Eric Berne — “The Games People Play – The Psychology Of Human Relationships” for a startling list of the ways people will manipulate others. I regard this book as a user manual for ruining other peoples lives and creating toxic relationships with people who are prone to being worked over. As a general rule however, reading it and noticing the way people engage you, and being aware of how the switching from Adult to parent / child feels will disarm even the most skilled manipulators. Once you feel it happening, point it out to them and watch them squirm.

Let’s be fair though, all of this is possible because people feel compassion, which is a great thing when it isn’t being used as a weapon.

GAD – Generalized Anxiety Disorder

When I was 5 or 6 I prayed to God the following prayer “God, I don’t have any friends. Can you please help me find some?” I was so proud because it wasn’t a hail Mary or one of the more common prayers that we were taught at school. My budding creativity had an audience and I felt like I was going to get some friends. When the teacher asked the class what we had prayed for I told her. She was not as happy as I was. In fact, she was taken back. She gave me a letter to take to my folks. I thought I was going to get in trouble.

My dad ended up asking me to tell him the prayer and I did. 3 decades will do a number on memories, but I do recall him pointing out that Des (my brother) was one of my friends and that my parents and cousins where my friends too. When you’re 6, people can’t be two things so I just went with them being family, but agreed that they were my friends.

I have no idea where the notion came from that I wasn’t liked or wasn’t worthy of being liked by anyone other than family, but it was there and it got some wicked traction. At 39 I’m now only just starting to talk back to the idea that I’m unlovable, and only because I see how I have been acting over the last 15 or so years.

When I said this to Tony, he asked about sniffing glue, then about eating lead paint and finally settled on the potato blight. Then “you like fantasizing about being a piece of shit eh?” Sadly, no, I just thought I was one and that helped me act like one. Ugh. Oh the silly programs we imprint on our young minds that go uncontested until a crisis of identity caused by enormous stress. I miss my dad, but I’m really grateful that his passing has allowed me to see the possible cause of my self-destructive actions.

What does this have to do with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)? Oh, I think you know if you’ve read anything on this blog over the last anytime. I know a lot of things that other people don’t, and when I engage them with these things, there is a movement towards their enlightenment. This movement was internalized by me as a sign of my worth and I learned to coach / Parent people towards these moments of self-awareness; all the while missing the only thing that really would have made a difference – I have exactly the same value whether or not they learn or change.

Yet regardless of what happened, I was anxious about almost everything in my life. Particularly things that weren’t ever going to happen. Very little in my life was satisfying and I always wanted more and more of whatever distraction / compulsion I was satisfying. Paradoxically, indulging these compulsions didn’t reduce my anxiety – see newstasis.com post Reasons To Not Be Afraid – and in the long run gave me more validation that I had a lot to be anxious about.

There is a little humor in it now when I think about it because I have created perfectly the life and scripts that allowed me to feel like I had no value, that something was wrong, that I did not belong and that I am unlovable. Few things I have done so exceptionally well as these, and fewer still are the things that I have done that have slowed my actualization of potential.

I suffer from GAD and as a consequence, I have manufacture the experiences I needed to feel the anxiety that it helped manifest. Not only this, but I did it without really being aware that I was making the life I needed in order to feel this baseline. It is of little wonder why the cognitive behavioral therapy I have been doing has been so effective at helping me get control of my mind. Once the anxiety causing thoughts stopped, the anxiety started to disappear as did the anxiety causing actions. It also worked the opposite way – giving-up my compulsive actions eliminated a lot of the anxiety associated with acting in my own worst interests.

The numbers are fairly high, a lot of people suffer from GAD and just go through life believing that time on the planet is hell. I probably isn’t and, if you have a tendency towards unmitigated anxiety, go and talk to your doctor, see a therapist or do some reading. Live is beautiful when the voices you hear aren’t telling you how crap it is.

Scripting For Success – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

When I started working for Goodlife Fitness as a membership coordinator I was filled with passion but lacked the sales experience to feel immediately comfortable about it. That isn’t anything new for them, they do hire a lot of young or inexperienced people who have the right values to help offer other Canadians the opportunity to improve their fitness, health and quality of life.

To this end, they have scripts; they are not unique in this regard, it is done by most companies who wish to standardize their level of service. The purpose of the scripts is to help the new team members overcome doubt, insecurity and negative self-talk that often comes with asking someone to do something they should or need to do but haven’t been willing to commit to. And the scripts are effective if you role play and automate them.

Les Mills International, the organization that Goodlife selected as their provider for the Group Fitness classes they offer, uses a very similar approach with their choreography. The movements are set to music and the instructors are required to say the same sorts of things at particular times as cuing, precuing and coaching. In both cases, IF you follow the script you will cover the bare minimum and deliver a class / experience that will get good results. The more experience one gets with the scripts, the more they adjust them to make them their own, yet still capture all of the critical pieces. Overtime you become the script – they start to flow out of you automatically and your performance becomes the mindless expression of the words you once struggled to remember.

This is beautiful and deadly.

When I comes to teaching a group fitness class or presenting someone with a sincere opportunity to improve their fitness very little can go wrong. When it comes to who you think you are the effects of an uncoached script can be a confident and still presence or they can be an anxiety laden nightmarish existence of doubt, anguish, fear and shattered potential.

When I first had a notion of this I was 15 and drunk. Tony Robins was on an infomercial and he was selling tapes to help reprogram the mind by filling it with positive ideas about yourself. I didn’t buy the tapes. Alcohol seemed to improve my confidence and being 15 and he being Tony Robins, I didn’t bother.

Then one night I heard my mind telling me that I was a piece of crap and that everything I did wouldn’t work. I posted about it in “I Hear Voices They Tell Me It Is Called Thinking” and that moment remains the beginning of an actual reawakening. But I went back to sleep again without capturing the lesson. Gallons a booze, cubic meters of smoke, kilograms of food, a number of addictive relationships and countless wasted moments later I found myself smashing my room apart upon the realization that my dad, one of the finest proxy’s for actual confidence I had, was gone.

That was a lonely moment in spite of my moms efforts to calm me. I was alone, I always have been even when my dad was here. I was scared, I always have been, even when I felt protected by my relationships. The things I was saying to myself were so messed-up. They were the same things I had always been saying to myself and there wasn’t anything that I could do to get them in check; it was a rough time in my head (my thoughts), my body (my feelings) and my environment (my actions).

This was the bottom, just me with my thoughts, feelings and self-destructive actions. It was evident when my mom left for work that my life had become unworkable because I had created scripts that did not reflect reality; or at least did not reflect a reality that I wanted to continue.

My therapist immediately clued into what I was doing because I was very open and willing to accept whatever help was going to be offered. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy was what she suggested for a couple of reasons – first, it was obvious that my self-talk was messy. Next, it was evident that I have had a lot of experience with scripts and using them to manipulate or control my emotions. Finally, it is very effective for someone who doesn’t have a severe underlying pathology.

Our sessions were short but my homework was intense. Basically I needed to identify anytime I said something to myself that created a feeling that I wanted to change. For example, “I always screw-up relationships and will never find someone to be with” creates depression and anxiety because it is reflective and projective – it is based on an interpretation of the past and it assumes the same interpretation will become the future. These emotions cause me to do the very things that create depression and anxiety. Challenging the thought and making it closer to the truth will shift the emotional response. E.g. “the relationships I have had did not work out as I had hoped they would, but each one brought me closer to a more suitable partner” eliminates most of the depression and reveals a trend towards something which creates hope and possibility.

Intrusive thoughts are engaged in the same way. I work hard to identify when I am having them, stop them and then move on to thinking about something that I want to think about – work, training, a new cycling song, the beauty in the universe, whatever. The key is to stop them from becoming part of the script that runs automatically through my mind.

Life doesn’t necessarily get easier, but the thoughts do begin to change as the script becomes new. It will always require some effort to keep the new script going given how deeply rooted the old ones are – there are thousands of years of evolutionary history working against feelings of neutrality and peace – but mindless effort will eventually begin to change the flow of life.

Scripting for success is a very simple way to make your life WHATEVER you want it to be. Put the time in now, the only thing you have to lose is an unworkable past.

Interview With Patrick William McKinney sometime in the spring of 2022

I sat down with Patrick McKinney for a 30-minute chat that he suggested I make at least an hour for. He also asked that I wear comfortable shoes because he can’t sit down for very long when he’s asked to talk about himself. “Not that I don’t find it to be a compelling subject, it just isn’t very interesting.”

Patrick is the younger of two sons, born in Northern Ireland to a protestant mother and catholic father. “My dad had seen enough of the world by the time he was 20 to realize you find an amazing wife and move quickly. The family moved to the south or away from the north when I was 2 or 3, I don’t remember which or when and forgot to remember when I asked. My first memory is hazy and about a wall and bees. The next is of me and my brother happily running to meet my aunt and cousins. The bees were in the north, the running was in the south. I bring this up because these made me who I am.”

“Lets be fair here, I don’t belong anywhere, and that’s why I’ve done so many different things. I love everyone and everything, and have very few close friends because of who I am. I’ve been a very manipulative person for all of my life and others find this to be kind of alienating, but only those who let it happen, right?” Before I could answer he said “that feeling you’re getting in your stomach right now, the way your foot twitched and your shifting, it means I’m in there” pointing to his head. “I’m good at this not because I just went in there, but because I was already in there. Been there all along. Do you feel like walking?”

The family moved to Canada when Patrick was 9 and his brother Desmond was 11. “Desmond has played the bigger role my socialization than anyone else. My folks provided most of what was needed to survive, Des provided the rest.”

“Do you see that man standing there?” asked while pointing at a group of 4 businessmen. “Which one?” “There’s only one of them standing, the rest are leaning on him” was the grinning reply. “Breath 3 times, you’re starting to become a little unhinged again.”

“I didn’t really fit in when we moved to Canada. I selected the very people who would help me feel like I didn’t belong. It’s wonderful looking back on because if they had been any different, I would have been average.”

“When you feel like you don’t belong, when all you have to lean on is your brother and parents, you don’t really get settled with anything. I love with all of my heart, with all of my being, but I would engineer the end of every relationship and friendship that wasn’t with someone who was able to feel and put up with what I was doing. I didn’t have children with any of the wonderful women I was in relationships with, and that left me with a huge amount of unconditional love to share.”

Patrick attended 3 universities to get a pass degree, making and leaving behind many wonderful friends. He cites the death of a girl friend during this time as being a changing point in his life. After graduating, he worked as a manager for a company his brother had created. This gave him a chance to excel at something, and enough money to afford to get out of his head on drink and other compulsive behaviors. About this he said “you can write all this self abuse stuff down if you like, it’s my past and I love it, but it’s more important that you capture the need for the journey than the way the journey took place.” Context is important, and you can feel it when you talk to Patrick. Time with him is a roller coaster and it’s easier if you try not to hold on because he’s not going to let you fall off.

He found himself working for GoodLife Fitness as a sales person, then a manager and then a personal trainer. “But I was still running. I quit the PT job and took a month vacation to the east coast with Deb, one of my oldest and dearest friends. I rode my bike and rotted, and didn’t find what I was looking for.”

I coasted for a few months until I got sick and a doctor told me that there was protein in my urine. I thought my kidneys were shot and my life flashed before my eyes. I was going to die much sooner than I had thought and it was going to be a life on dialysis and maybe a transplant, and I realized that I hadn’t done much living. The test wasn’t accurate and I was spared the future that I had bought into as a dreadful thing. That was another moment in my life.

I told myself a story and ran to the edge of the earth with it. When the story died, I felt alive again, and reborn. It’s all a load of meaningless crap that I was able to manufacture, believe, feel and run with. “I’d like to clarify something here because it can be confusing to some to hear that without the proper context. Things do happen, they are real things, and there is a real organic emotional response to them. Real pain. But we also get emotional responses to things that don’t happen. The reality was that I didn’t have protein in my urine but I told myself that I did and that created an emotional response. Human beings do this a lot – create suffering out of nothing. This is why cognitive behavioral therapy is so effective.”

“Things changed slightly after this, I began to do more of the things that I wanted to do. My jobs, relationships and actions helped me to express my strong traits – a love for all things, an analytical mind and an ability to manipulate. I became a strength coach / personal trainer, a life coach, and I began writing. Things continued along this path until two very critical things happen, I feel in love and my father died. The girl was amazing and it didn’t work out. During our short relationship I began to see that my compulsive behaviors were not working for me anymore; our relationship was one of those behaviors. When my dad got sick and died, I made the decision to just stop them.”

“On February 29, 2012 I killed the person who had been living act one of my life and I started act two with a clean mind, body and a recreated spirit.”

The conversation changed at this point, an already enthusiastic chat became an almost frenzied assault on the English language in terms to pace, and loaded meaning.

“Patrick William McKinney is what I call myself now, not because it’s my name, but because it’s what I was labeled. What were you labeled and how did that shape you?” There was a pause and before I could answer “I’ve never been good with names because I think they are silly. Sure they have purpose, but how often do we use a name when we are speaking directly to someone we love? Only when we’re trying to control the other person.”

“Some people didn’t like my parenting book, they called me smug and ballsey to write it given that I don’t have any children. I liked those names more because it tells me about their state of mind.” PWM’s view was that parents are too busy being parents – either exactly like their folks or the complete opposite – to fully appreciate what is going on. “Too involved in the creation and building of adults to have the time to see that the goal is to cultivate the child into an adult child.” Some of the things adult parents said to me about the book had me crying inside because their children were not getting the best upbringing possible.”

“My “Atheists Guide To Spirituality” was blast to write. A former client clued me into it during lent of 2012 when my spirit was catching-up to my physical body. A lot of faithful and non-faithful people dismiss outright the views of the other simply because they think it matters. We’re all part of the same things, we’re all the same thing so the view that we’re separate is both a nonstarter and inaccurate.”

Describing himself as a General in the battle for human potential, there’s a glow that flows out of him. He does seem older than time in a way, his eyes are engaging, but you get the very real sense that you are not special when you talk to PWM. It isn’t that you are ordinary, it’s that he has known you a lot longer than you have known yourself. It’s almost creepy, but when you give into the possibility that it is true, it is freeing.

“Do you have a personality disorder, are you ADD or something?” “Goodness yes. Most people do. How long have you realize you have one?” “About a second or two, how long have you known?”
“I just assume it to be the case because our up-bring paints us with them. Our purity is clouded with a notion that we are the center of the universe because it’s our point of reference. Parents tend not to feel comfortable telling their children the truth in matters like this because they feel ill equipped to articulate the possibilities it creates. They are scared of the damage it will do so they continue to damage their children by validating the notion that they are unique. Complete nonsense. The greatest people who have ever lived killed the notion of this identity in order to serve some higher purpose. It’s only in death that we are free.”

PWM admits that he would have made a lot more money had he pushed forward with serving himself directly, but seems completely content in the moment knowing that his coaching, training and speaking business, coupled with his writing impact a smaller group of people who end-up impact more people than he could on his own. He thinks his charity work is fairly effective too although he doesn’t really speak about it much. “Charity is a funny thing, there’s a fine line between charity and self indulgence. I’ll battle for them, but if someone wants to know anything about the numbers they can talk to the critics. I’ve never been arrested, charged or investigated. I’ve done very well out of them not because I take money, but because they’ve have helped me remain humble and the people we work for teach me more than most other human beings can. They’ve learned more about life than those who come from privilege.”

We chat a little longer while walking and picking-up litter, garbage and saying hello to various people who walk by.

We straighten things that are out of alignment and effectively float down the street doing whatever needs to be done but wouldn’t have been done in that moment had we not been there. It was pleasant and I had forgotten to notice that it has started to rain a little.

I’m not sure I will ever interview PWM again, and I’m fine with that. I’m not sure I interviewed him in the first place. It was slightly careless of me to believe that it would be easy and I’d sooner have him interview me. I have a feeling it would be a lot more interesting because there’s so much about myself that I don’t know and it’s clear that he would bring it out. But maybe he already has….

Glucose, gray matter and experience=wisdom

Reading a book and telling someone something you learned is very different from doing something and telling someone what you’ve realized. Neither is better, neither is a waste of time, and when paired together they create an unstoppable combination.

I’m not against books, I love words, much of what I believe I know I acquired from reading books. There is too much to know to learn everything through direct experience. Sometimes you need to be in the stands watching life (reading and learning) because there isn’t enough time to do everything you need to in order to learn everything first hand. So lets just say that reading is an experience of learning something second hand.

The human brain is a remarkable thing. It is a wildly complex network of cells which are either on or off. It is very much like a computer, a gray compact computer that doesn’t have a user manual and it that runs on sugar. What we know about it is that it will do everything it can to keep things the same, to use as little energy as possible, to create meaning and a unified understanding of the world and to create lessons (wisdom) out of experiences.

Of all the things it does, the wisdom creating part is the most noteworthy. Creating lessons out of experiences, ones and zeros, and sugar is a purely remarkable thing.

For this reason, I have really enjoyed the last month and a half because I have been making a consistent effort to not let my blood sugar level drop. I’ve been eating exactly as I had been encouraging my clients to eat when I was a trainer. The outcome has been a big boost in my productivity, emotional control and self-awareness. Following the simple advice of eating good quality whole foods, drinking lots of fluids and being aware of your energy levels to use them as a gauge for what is going on inside.

Without specific telemetry, creating an optimal internal environment through food manipulation and paying attention to how the body feels is the only way to make sure you are ready to create wisdom out of your life experiences.

Don’t go hungry, don’t get too fuel and have as many experiences as you can. Wisdom is waiting for you.

What Feeling “Used” Says About Your Motivation

There is a big difference between believing someone used you and believing someone ended-up growing from your time together, interactions and experiences.

I’ve been called a user a number of times in my life and each time I took what the person said as fact, for a little while. But it’s a lot easier to deal with when I hear it now. I’m incapable of using someone because I know that people are responsible for their own actions and decisions. I’m too authentic to lie so when a comment like that is directed at me, I do what I do. Try it on to get a feeling for what it’s like and then empathize with the other person for feeling that way. “What in their life taught them to believe what they believe?”

This is no longer an active task, it’s what I do automatically.

There are no shortage of people into which I have invested my time, energy and unconditional love. Many of them are gone, many did not return the investment directly to me, and that is something that I am as grateful for as for those who did return it. For me, the lessons come from both the giving and the NOT receiving. The checks and balances serve the cultivation of my character when they are not equal. I grow more from not getting in return than I do from “fair payment” or direct reciprocity.

Wisdom is the return for effort, attention and activity and it takes a long time to foster. Life may be long and I’m growing more certain that as it continues that any investment into other people, the earth and the universe is actually an investment into myself because my world gets better when the world gets better.

Why We Don’t Ask For Help

Was having a chat with a teacher friend a few weeks ago and I asked her what she was grateful for that day. Her reply “I asked my VP for help on a project.” “Cool” said I, then “is that something you would normally have trouble doing?” She’s really driven so I knew the answer and was just fishing, she indulged me with “yeah, a lot of people don’t like asking for help.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“Because they are afraid they won’t get it.”

I think I levitated, as one would when they get a solid kick to their understanding.

A few things registered with me. First, she’s a teacher, so she coaches, teaches and helps for a living; help and guidance are the currency of her profession. I’ve asked her for help and she always gives it. She doesn’t solve the problem or fix anything, she just provides some info or whatever is needed and lets me take care of it myself. When she asks me for help, she gets the same from me. It’s symbiotic so I was shocked at her answer.

Next, the fact that she was so relieved was astounding to me. It is her boss and they have a vested interest in helping her be more successful. What must have happened in her past to believe that she wouldn’t get the help she needed? We didn’t talk about this, I was just too floored at her answer to be of much use. I was still floating.

The final thing I thought was “do I think that?” I’m not sure I do, but I’m not sure I don’t either. I’ll ask for help from people I know can offer it. Sometimes they’ll give it to me, more and more often I get coaching to help me help myself.

It’s an interesting topic that has shifted recently for me because of the intensity in which I engage people. If someone asks for help or tells me that they want something, a switch flips in my head and I set out making it a reality. Things get cloudy for me only when the nature of the request isn’t completely understood. If someone is truly asking for help nothing goes wrong. But if they are looking for someone to agree with them about something being too hard, unfair, is someone else’s fault or is simply looking to have someone listen to their complaint, I tend to misunderstand the nature of these interactions. They are looking for a child child transaction and I unconsciously switch it to parent child then quickly to adult adult without getting the agreement from the other person.

I do this automatically now because I have a really tough time listening to people complain about their position in life without taking responsibility for it. There are very few cases when someone is really a victim and even fewer when making them feel better is a better course of action than setting them free.

I’ll add something to my teacher friends comment – people don’t ask for help for two reasons, the first is that they are afraid they won’t get it, the second is that they are afraid that they WILL get it but don’t actually want it.

Stuff I Can Do With My Future

Texting Tony a few weeks ago about my life now that I’ve given-up my compulsive behaviors and he asked what I was going to do with my future now that it is no longer my past.

I passionately replied with:

Whatever I want! Write a few books, learn a bunch of stuff, eat well, date, marry a partner, buy a house, travel, start a charity, volunteer, become a public figure, coach people through life changes, ride my bike up bike mountains, get my teeth fixed, hang with friends, be inspiring, get therapy, get my body functioning, laugh, smile, shamelessly dance, go to weddings of friends, see my old girlfriend start families, be grateful for having lived, loved and still love so many beautiful people,….

Then I went to the Landmark Forum (LMF) and realized that I had already started it a few weeks ago after I got off the phone with Sean, Jeff, Heather and Kate having cleared-up my concerns about attending. Something funny happens when you commit to a different future, some doors close while others open.

On March 21st, a few days before I went to the LMF, I had an amazing conversation with one of my bosses about my intentions and she gave me a very clear indication of the vision that is to become a future. My intentions are not a big part of that, so I let her know how grateful I was for her honesty because it set me free. Gone was my created possibility and almost immediately I found that new possibilities were already opening in front of me.

It’s funny how acting boldly, decisively and authentically by announcing your intentions can actually slam shut doors that were holding you back for doing something new and creating the possibly of a more meaningful life.

My LandMark Forum Part 3 – Day One, Part One

There were a few really big moments during the weekend that rocked me hard. A lot of them were unconscious at the time, but revealed a lot of information that I was not able to flush out in the moment.

The first was immediately upon getting off the elevator. I was there to learn and the staff was there to guide me. My cheque cleared so the roles were very clear to me. I was an authentic student with an open mind and gave into the notion that they were authentic coaches / teachers / guides. Most of them were distant, guarded and lacked something that those who suggested I would gain from attending possess in abundance – authentic fearlessness. Frankly, I got the sense that most of the staff was scared crapless of me and I couldn’t push away the feeling that I was actually there for them.

In the waiting room I chatted with some people and asked them what they were hoping to get out of being there. The participants were nice, some were complete phoneys that made my skin crawl, some seemed to be missing a critical piece of the puzzle and it was evident that many were guarded. I did what I do which is effectively be different from everyone else. I turned and opened up and started mining people for their stories.

We all went into the large room and I took my seat in the front row and engaged the two people who were on either side of me. It is impossible to include everyone when you are in a line so I sat on the stage to form a triangle (a circle that just happens to have 3 straight lines forced into it). The group therapy had begun. It’s easy to notice that no other line of people was doing this. The three of us were special. The leader walks in and the session begins.

After some introduction stuff, the leader asks “when someone gives advice to a group, who do you think they are giving to?” There were three answers, silence, “other people” and mine “me.”

Hmmmm….. if I hadn’t yelled “me” I wouldn’t have thought much about it, but there I was, a student who was there to milk the hell out of whatever anyone was going to say or offer. Alone, fearless and authentic. I started to levitate and a lot of what the weekend was about transformed in that instant (not accurate, but for all practical purposes how it was).

People asked some question and when the leader was asked about himself and I got up and left. At the moment I thought it was because I had to go to the bathroom and possibly eat something, but as I walked out of the room I realized it was because I didn’t really care to listen to his answers. It really didn’t matter to me. While some may consider that rude, knowing too much about a possible flash bulb mentor can weaken their position. He had effectively told us that his entire presence was contrived so what’s the point in listening to someone continue to manufacture context?

So, the first thing I realized that I wasn’t being the same as most of the other people there. I was being me, manipulative, controlling, and authentically consuming whatever anyone was willing to give me.

First break and I head across the street to get my lunch out of my car and find somewhere to eat it. There’s a grocery store with some chairs in it and I see a bunch of my fellow participants. All of the tables are being used so I sit on my cooler and begin to use a free chair as my table. A guy says “hey, you want to sit here” pointing to the empty spot at his table. I do. We start the small talk and it turns out he’s one of us, both in terms of a participant and outlier. He leaves and after a few minutes I notice that his jacket is still on the chair. After I finish my lunch I bring the jacket up to the room and go outside to put away my lunch. I see him and say “hey, did you leave your jacket?” and he says kind of avoidantly, “yeah, it’s upstairs.” And I say “it is now, you left it at lunch. It’s under the table where we leave our drinks.” He doesn’t believe me but says “thanks” to a lair who is trying to get credit for doing something they didn’t do. I smile and float away having read his mind.

I get a decaf coffee and head back. As soon as I get into the room, he walks up and I point to under the table where his jacket is, he’s just come from his chair where his jacket isn’t. There’s a look in his eyes that wasn’t there before, the guard is down and he is not afraid of me anymore. He says thank you and sort of outlines the consequences of what would have happened if it was lost because he didn’t remember wearing it when he left for lunch. I say “no, thank you for leaving it. Normally I would have just left it there for the person to come back for. You have given me a gift by providing me the possibility for a different future and then for me to make that different future.” I hug him and he hugs back – two strangers, men in their almost 40’s hugging because of a shared sense of gratitude seeing the gift the other has given to them.

I found my seat for the next session and sat behind one of the greatest people I have ever know. A member of the unawakened walking dead. That’s when things really began to get interesting….

NOTE – any one I mention in these series of blogs has given me permission to talk about our experiences.

My New Nighttime Integrity Battle

I have always been a dreamer, both during the day and at night. Most of my REM dreams have been things that are either the usual fluff (the seemingly random consequence of brain repair) or the symbolic chilling ones that seem to last well into the following day. I’d just assume the brain was offering up some experience that was needed to reorganize itself to accommodate something that it experienced recently. “I wonder why the hell I needed to have that experience” was often enough for me to just let go of thinking about it and just get on with the day as best I can.

But sometimes when I’m going through some sort of ego death and fundamental restructuring of identity, the dreams become battles against something that really doesn’t want to let go.

I am in one of those periods now and fortunately I have the self-awareness to know what is happening soon after I wake-up in a cold sweat thinking “what the F was that?”

Some of the dreams over the few last weeks have been particularly disturbing. Throughout most of them, I keep thinking “this isn’t on me, these people are responsible for their own actions.” Many are loaded with symbolism and others are simply the raw sensory information being perceived for the literal experience it was meant to be.

There are reoccurring ones about my Canadian schools. One batch has me running through my first Canadian grade school. I’m older in this dream, I think my current age and I’m trying to help some of the new Canadian children feel at place there. The pace is frantic and I don’t know if I’m helping. The next school dream is of my Junior high school, were I am circling a route inside it, frantically trying to get somewhere but I’m just running and running, round and round. Then there is the high school one. In this I’m not a part of the school or the people. I’m effectively isolated.

Most recently the dreams have been more about being with a smaller group of people – me and two or three other people – vs. the building of complete isolation that I was experiencing with the school dreams. We start off as a large group, with all but a few of them leaving at the end. The remain ones are unique in that we possess something that the rest didn’t. It’s tough to say what exactly it is, but the rest are returning to their old life while we remain separate and distinct.

I have had a couple of dreams about golf courses. These are significant because I don’t dream about golf and only spend time near a course the summer before and after Natalie died. They are less intense and less frequent – they haven’t happened in consecutive evening and I’m able to engage the people more effectively.

These dream reveal two things. The first is an intense and deeply seeded sense that I don’t belong – stemming from moving from Ireland when I was 9. The second is a deeply seeded sense that I am not worthy of love stemming from the fact that Natalie broke-up with me a couple of months before her life ended.

I am waiting for the final lesson / piece of information and this is the one that actually frightens me as it will have something to do with an earlier period of my life before I moved to Canada. My apprehension about it stems from the fact that EVERYTHING has gone into my brain and shaped me in some way but most of it is beyond my conscious ability to recall after almost 35 years.